The Party Girl in Me

I love a good party. I do not love hosting one. Not because of the work involved but because I care too much of other people's opinions. I am the insecure party hostess. Will people have fun? Will people want to come back again? 

It really is quite silly. When I go to someone's party I hardly am judging their party hosting skills. And yesterday was MY HUSBAND'S BIRTHDAY PARTY. It had nothing to do with me. But of course I try to make it about me by worrying about what people are thinking about my party skills.

Sigh* Cleo Cat says let it go.

So I did. I decided not to care about the interesting mix of friends. Or the amount of food. Or the quality of the food I made. Or how happy the guests were. Because, frankly, having a good time is a personal choice and not up to how awesome I am anyways. But I am awesome. Just to clarify. And I had a great time. And more importantly, the Birthday Boy had a good time. 

I don't know if anyone else has this party insecurity. But if you do I will tell you that as someone who loves going to get togethers, don't worry about your hosting abilities. People will have a good time and if most are like me are not going to be judging your abilities as a host/hostess. Your biggest critic is probably you and if they are that is on them.

The bigot in me.

In the comments section of news articles or blogs I often see people being accused of bigotry. Usually Christians are those that claim to be Christians get labeled this. I decided to go look up the word and see exactly what it means and if it is a word that is related to religion.  And to make sure before I accuse someone else of being a bigot that I am not one.

Bigoted

adjective

1. utterly intolerant of any creed, belief, or opinion that differs from one's own.

 

Ouch. I have been a bigot and not because of my belief in a higher power and afterlife. Well first off, it is apparent by all the definitions of bigot and bigoted that you can find that being a bigot isn't just for religious people. You can be bigoted about child raising, politics, and pretty much anything. Second, it is the bigot in me that often gets sucked into arguments and feeling indignant when people "don't see the obvious". Obvious to who? Those that share the same opinion as me? 

“The sad truth about bigotry is that most bigots either don't realize that they are bigots, or they convince themselves that their bigotry is perfectly justified.”

― Wayne Gerard Trotman

Or that last part.

I think people can be so afraid of being wishy washy that they think they need to be "utterly intolerant" of others who have a different set of beliefs or world view. Well at least that has been my fear in some areas. Or I just really do think my opinion on some subjects is superior. It can result in name calling and tearing each other down instead of building each other up. Not to mention...

“A man convinced against his will
Is of the same opinion still”  
― Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People 

So I find myself spending less energy defending my opinion and trying to convince people to think and believe like me. It doesn't mean I am not going share any opinions on any subject it just means I am doing so with the acknowledgement that I could be wrong. But how well I argue a point or convince someone else to think like me doesn't change how wrong or right I am. I only have my own experiences and perceptions to go on. This is another work in progress because I am an extremely opinionated person. The bigot in me hates it.

If a discussion resorts to name calling and the word "bigot" being thrown out then perhaps two bigots have locked horns. Or maybe one is just sharing his or her opinion in all honesty but the other person is intolerant to it. Because while I can't say everyone has a little bigot in them, I would say it is a big part of human nature.

A little less intolerant and a little more love will go a long way. Doesn't mean I have to compromise my own beliefs or opinions or turn a blind eye to injustices. Just means I need to take a step back and examine my own heart in every situation where I may want to let the bigot in me take over.

 

 

 

Heidi's Top Ten...

I was going to write tonight about me being bigoted but after non stop sun I just haven't got the stamina for it. So instead I am starting a new tradition for this blog. Heidi's Top Ten... It will be for whatever and whenever I feel I need to be light hearted.

Heidi's CURRENT Top Ten Video Games of ALL TIME!

 (I am a geek so what better way to start this tradition that with video games. I'm going to do all platforms this time and what right now are my favourites. I put what platforms I play the games on but some are available on other platforms as well)

#10

World of Warcraft

Mac/PC

It was a little strange for me at first to be playing with real life people somewhere out there. But after a while I settled in and really enjoyed it. I think the part I enjoy most is leveling up and running around doing easy quests. That and playing with real life friends like my husband.

#9

Mario Kart

Nintendo

I couldn't decide which Mario Kart is my favourite so I'll just say I love Mario Kart. I love the way I can beat my husband at 6. And Mario Kart 64 has a lot of great memories for me and I still enjoy it. It really is the only car racing game for me!

#8

Assassin's Creed II

PS3

This is the game I am currently working on finishing. I enjoyed Assassin's Creed I but I think I am enjoying II better. A lot more to the game than #1. I like doing side things like buying pictures for my Villa or looking for Glyphs on certain buildings. The game doesn't grab me like some of the games further on. But I am only on number II so this series may one day move up on the list.

#7

Geneforge Saga

Mac/PC

That picture looks all epic but the series is actually done old school and looks like this:

 But the games are epic. So epic I have only finished the first one. The endless choices you make affect the progression and ending of each game. Plus, there are a lot of goodies to find and side quests to complete. I played these games as demos while flagging. Finally bought #4 and then my wonderful husband bought me all 5 off of GOG. I like the turn based games when I don't want to be 100% focused on what I am playing.

#6

The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon

PS3/Wii

 

I love all the Spyro games but my favourite of them all is the final installment before Spyro was shipped off to Skylanders. You can finally fly any time you want. You level up and learn to use Cinder and Spyro together or can play co-op. I had a hard time putting the controller down and beat the game in a few days. But in order to wrap it there are some pretty nasty side battles you can play. I still can't win them. I don't replay it as often because I am determined to finish more of the Spyro games. 

#5

Civilization III

Mac/PC

 I grew up playing Civilization I and II. These were more my type of games as I found them far less stressful than those that required you to be quick. Out of all 5 I find myself returning to this one a lot. IV is the series favourite but I still keep going back to III. Way too many hours can be wasted on any Civ games. 

#4

The Secret of Monkey Island

Mac/iPhone

A game from my childhood that is still as fun as I remember. Even though I remember the puzzles I still enjoy playing it. I haven't beat all of them yet (on #4) but they are all great games. I think the first one will always be my favourite though.

#3

Final Fantasy XIII: Lightning Returns.

I hadn't played any FF games until XIII. I really enjoyed it and so played the second. Enjoyed that one and was really excited to play the third. Lightning Returns became my fast favourite. You already know the characters so it was purely game play that hooked me. The first one is very linear and they changed that in the second one. The third one you can go anywhere. I will be playing this one again!

 

#2 
 Fable 1-3 

PC/Xbox

This one almost makes it in the #1 spot but the competition is too stiff and so is only my second favourite game of all time. Lots of story, lots of side quests, and having the option on being good or evil gives the game a lot of replay value. Some people are pretty hardcore about liking only the first or the second. And the third gets a lot of flak. I like them all. The third is actually not that much shorter than the second and I enjoyed the story a lot. I am very sad that they seem to be done with the series as I knew it but at least I have three games and DLC to play over and over again.

#1

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: Ocarina of Time

N64/Game Cube/Wii/3DS

 No matter what games I play or how fond of memories I have this has been my favourite game since I first watched my best friend's mother play it. I wasn't very good myself at action video games then.  I played turn based games and simulators but I loved to run around and do all the non dungeon things. I have beat this game a few since on my own as well as MASTER QUEST. I have also played it with my husband. Even as an adult it hasn't lost any of the appeal it had for me as a kid. And every so often I have the urge to replay it again. Like once a year. And on my 3DS. And... Well, you get the point. That is why this one is in the number one spot. I have enjoyed playing the other Zelda games but I am with the masses on this one being the best. So far.

There are a lot more video games than this that are my favourite. But for a list sake I tried to think of the top ten. I'll be honest, besides the first two my order was really hard to make. Not to mention all the games I love that aren't on here. Plants VS Zombies, Candy Crush, Hay Day, The Sims, The Sims (1,2 and 3) Medieval, Peggle and Peggle Nights, My Kingdom For the Princes Saga, Wesnoth, Kirby, Mario Party 8 and 9, Fairway Solitaire, Folklore, Eternal Sonata, King's Quest Saga, Super Mario World and you get the point. I like a lot of video games. I think I better hit Publish on this list before I redo it!

Who am I?

24601!

Okay, joking aside. I don't know who I am but I am trying to discover that. The good, the bad and the ugly.

“I do know my own mind,' protested Anne. 'The trouble is, my mind changes and then I have to get acquainted with it all over again.”
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of the Island   

It is so much easier to have other people tell me who I am or at least who they perceive me to be. As long as they are kind and tip the scale more in my favour than against of course. I don't really care for all my flaws to be pointed out and nothing good said about me. But to really look at myself and see my faults and virtues? Sure I can do that in my head but there is something about putting in to black and white that is terrifying to me. My Pros more than my Cons. And I know why. Because I am so afraid I am wrong about my good qualities and someone will disagree with those. It is great when people disagree with my self perceived flaws. Who doesn't like hearing, "You're not really a bigot, Heidi." But I most definitely don't want to hear, "You actually come across as stupid, not smart at all."

For some of my faults I have learned them by examining why other people's behaviour irks me. Why am I being so upset? Sometimes the other behaviour is really not acceptable. But many times it is a mirror to my own thoughts and feelings.

“Whenever you are about to find fault with someone, ask yourself the following question: What fault of mine most nearly resembles the one I am about to criticize?”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 

That is where being a hypocrite comes in. I can get upset at someone, even just a stranger, for an action that I myself am guilty of in some way or another. A simple example is thinking someone is too negative and just needs to be more positive about their life. Ummm... right. Because I am a little ray of sunshine. As we can see by my first two posts I am a negative person. So how can I be upset by other negative people? Maybe our negativity comes out in different areas. Maybe the other person is negative about work or what not. But I am negative about me. Honestly, sometimes the only reason I am positive is to be contrary to a negative person. Nice, hey? I may keep a lot of negativity inside but I am so very critical on the inside. Or I can be but I am learning to be less so.

I am not going to list every single one of my faults. Being a hypocrite is a natural human thing and now that I am aware how hypocritical I can be, even if indirectly, I hope to catch myself and be less so one day at a time. And less negative! Therefore every flaw I point out isn't to be negative about myself and pout and say "I am a horrible, horrible human being', but to help me change the things I don't like. Thankfully I believe in God so that is a nice support in this area.

Now that I have avoided saying a few good things about me because I really, really don't want to (remember you may tell me I am wrong or think it. Heaven forbid you think it!), I better say them to be positive about myself. After all I can't be all bad. I am friendly. There I said it. I like having friends and visiting. I rarely dislike anyone and though I often feel insecure about how other people feel about me I am actually quite forgiving. There are only a few "sins" committed against me that I have ever had a hard time letting go off (or am still letting go of). I am not always good at showing how much I care but I really do care a lot for all my friends. I know this is just one thing but it is hard enough for me to get one good quality out. Remember I am a WIP.

But it is very late. And I really should be asleep as part of the changes I want to make is a better sleep pattern. Unfortunately Insomnia and being a night owl has a bad way of putting a crimp in my plans.

Photo by: Crystal Janel Photography

Pilot Post

Sometimes I find it is easier to start afresh as opposed to trying to pick up where I left off. A lot of water has flown under the bridge since my last post. And it really seems a testament to my failings as a person. In my mind at least. I am never as funny or interesting as I hope to be. Nor do I write as well as I set out to write. But I enjoyed blogging and I gave it up while in a very dark place.

“Well, we all make mistakes, dear, so just put it behind you. We should regret our mistakes and learn from them, but never carry them forward into the future with us.”
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea 

The past doesn't change and nothing you can do will change it or bring it back. I know that and yet I still hold on to so many things, good and bad, that at times I can hardly breath. And no amount of clever quotes or scripture verses seem to really get through to me. My flaws are the same as they have always been. I am still a bigot (will be posting on this soon) and a hypocrite (this too). I am quick to judge others but defend myself and as a result become very hard on myself though that does sound contradictory. So I know I have a few things I need to change about me. To be the best me I can be. And hopefully writing about these things helps me along the way.

-I need to love myself because if I don't love myself how can I "love others as I love myself" in any way that matters?

-I need to be a better spouse. There are so many things I could do to be a better one and put my equal share into this marriage. As it stands I would say I am on the spoiled side of things. If I had a less forgiving husband and my stay at home mom job was treated as employment I would be fired posthaste. I am not saying this to get validation. I am saying this because it is true and I need to change.

-I need to be a more patient and involved mother. Lots of room to improve in this area

There are lots of things I know I need to change about myself and for me it is easy to be overwhelmed and then change nothing.

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
Nothing is going to get better. It's not.”
― Dr. Seuss, The Lorax

I won't promise you, my readers, that my posts will always be about personal growth or self discoveries. I am sure this blog will ramble from here to there and then back again. I can promise you that it will be full of my own opinions, some of which need to be given up. And I can also promise you that there may be the occasional randomness that is truly Heidi Style. There are some things about me I don't really think I can change. So the things I blogged about before: my children, video games and movies; just may end up here.